On just caring less…
“There is only one way to happiness, and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of our will.”
~ Epictetus
“You always own the option of having no opinion. There is never any need to get worked up or to trouble your soul about things you can't control. These things are not asking to be judged by you. Leave them alone.”
~ Marcus Aurelius
“A flash of sanity: the momentary realization that there is no need to come to certain conclusions about persons, events, conflicts, trends, even trends toward evil and disasters, as if from day to day, and even from moment to moment, I had to know and declare (at least to myself) that this is so and so, this is good, this is bad. We are heading for a ‘new era’ or we are heading for destruction. What do such judgments mean? Little or nothing. Things are as they are in an immense whole of which I am a part and which I cannot pretend to grasp. To say I grasp it is immediately to put myself in a false position, as if I were ‘outside’ it. Whereas to be ‘in’ it is to see truth in my own life and action, moving where movement is possible and keeping still when movement is unnecessary, realizing that things will continue to define themselves and that the judgments and mercies of God will clarify themselves and will be more clear to me if I am silent and attentive, obedient to His will, rather than constantly formulating statements in this age which is smothered in language, in meaningless and inconclusive debate in which, in the last analysis, nobody listens to anything except what agrees with his own prejudices.”
~ Thomas Merton
"Learn what is to be taken seriously and laugh at the rest."
~ Siddhartha, Herman Hesse
Nothing matters beyond the meaning you attach to it.
Detachment does not mean indifference.
You have a limited amount of fucks to give. Very few, in fact. And if you go around giving a fuck about everything and everyone without conscious thought or choice—well, then you're going to get fucked.
Remember the 5 by 5 Rule:
If it’s not gonna matter in 5 years - don’t spent more than 5 minutes being upset about it.
Why do you care about what those other than your loved ones and the ones you respect think of you?
Social validation. It is deeply engraved in your genes to look out for, value and be scared of the judgement/opinion of others. This can partly be traced back to the time of hunters and gatherers. Not being liked by your tribe and getting kicked out, would result in a likely death.
Our brains evolved to care what our tribe thinks of us. It developed mechanisms such as embarrassment, loneliness, and shame in order to discourage you from behaving in ways that get you kicked out of the tribe.
Social rejection is no longer a matter of life-and-death, but your hunter-gatherer brain doesn’t know that, so you still act as if it is.
The desire to part of a group is probably the old instinct humans have, as we are pack animals and a lone human on the African savanna was shortly a dead human. Being accepted as part of a group was critical to survival.
The desire to belong is natural, however it being natural doesn’t necessarily mean that it is also life affirming.
It us narcissistic to depend on others to validate your self-esteem. A narcissist cannot live without an admiring audience.
An audience of who?
Is it not true that most people are not very bright, hold regressive or alarming opinions, and generally follow the herd?
And yet somehow we think it’s vindication when they love us?
It’s nonsense. It’s pretty strange how much we value the respect of people we don’t respect...and the lengths we’re willing to go to get it.
Ironically your fear of looking bad makes you act badly.
Your concern over appearing weak makes you vulnerable and your dismay over being disrespected or overlooked makes you seem desperate for attention.
Don’t be afraid to be yourself. Embrace your quirks, your passions, and your unique perspective on life. You’ll find that this authenticity will draw people towards you.
"If you are ever tempted to look for outside approval, realize that you have compromised your integrity. If you need a witness, be your own."
~Epictetus
It doesn’t matter what other people say or think. Approval and disapproval are equally meaningless.
What matters is what you know is right, and whether you do it.
It is extremely difficult to have the courage to be disliked hence caring less takes practice.
Caring less is easier said than done. It does not come naturally. It is analogous to someone trying to learn to drive just being told to just drive. This will not succeed very well with out training and practice. Same with caring less.
“Some things are in our control and others not. Things in our control are opinion, pursuit, desire, aversion, and, in a word, whatever are our own actions. (Behavior, Intention, Actions) Things not in our control are body, property, reputation, command, and, in one word, whatever are not our actions (Thoughts, Feelings, Other’s Opinions and Actions). The things in our control are by nature free, unrestrained, unhindered; but those not in our control are weak, slavish, restrained, belonging to others. Remember, then, that if you suppose that things which are slavish by nature are also free, and that what belongs to others is your own, then you will be hindered. You will lament, you will be disturbed, and you will find fault both with gods and men. But if you suppose that only to be your own which is your own, and what belongs to others such as it really is, then no one will ever compel you or restrain you. Further, you will find fault with no one or accuse no one. You will do nothing against your will. No one will hurt you, you will have no enemies, and you will not be harmed.”
~ Epictetus
“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself but to your estimate of it; and thus you have the power to revoke at any moment.”
~Marcus Aurelius
Essentially, our field of control consists of our own actions and reactions, our desires, our character and how we treat others. The rest – including our bodies, the actions of others, our reputation and our fortunes (personal and financial) – are out of our control.
The "Dichotomy of Control" that Epictetus teaches is actually not one of "control" or free will whatsoever. Eph'hemin, which is the original Koine Greek term that he uses in his lectures, has been mistranslated to mean "in our control," when it in fact can better be translated to something like "up to us" or "attributable to us." This is a very important distinction. Our opinions, pursuits, desires, aversions, and actions are not "in our control." They are uniquely attributable to and dependent upon us. In other words, we are the only ones who can form our opinions, pursuits, desires, and aversions. We are the only ones who can perform our own actions.
Ta eph’hemin, ta ouk eph’hemin.
What is up to us, what is not up to us.
What is in my control…what is up to me? In a nutshell…my mind is the only thing truly within the circle of my control…even my body is subject to external factors.
In my control are my own considerate judgments, endorsed values, and decisions to act or not to act.
The notion is to focus where your agency lies, your will to power over your actions, which is in making decisions.
Nothing else is in my complete control.
Apply Epictetus’ dichotomy of control (more specifically, Irvine’s trichotomy of control) and make a concerted effort to internalize my goals, shifting my focus from outcomes to intentions and efforts.
Make the best effort if you think it is the ethical thing to do, but be ready to accept that sometimes you win and sometimes you lose. Sometimes your actions will achieve the effect you want and sometimes they won’t. You have to be okay with that because there is nothing else that anyone can do about it.
So long as I am satisfied with my work, I need to be prepared to accept whatever result with equanimity.
You can make decisions about your life but accept that ultimately you don’t control the outcome. This is freeing.
Instead of the end results, because those are outside your control, be concerned with your intentions and your efforts, because those are very much under your control.
There was once a monk who would carry a mirror everywhere he went. A priest noticed this one day and thought to himself: “This monk must be so preoccupied with the way he looks that he has to carry that mirror all the time. He should not worry about the way he looks on the outside, it’s what’s inside that counts.”
So the priest went up to the monk and asked “Why do you always carry that mirror?” thinking for sure this would prove his guilt.
The monk pulled the mirror from his bag and pointed it at the priest. Then he said “I use
it in times of trouble. I look into it and it shows me the source of my problems as well as the solution to my problems.”
‘’You have power over your mind – not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.’’
~ Marcus Aurelius
All human experience comes from within you. Your experience is entirely determined by you.
“I gave up caring about anything, and all the problems disappeared.”
~ Dostoevsky
Perception determines everything…how we feel, how we act, the outcomes we get, the patterns of thought we have and more broadly the life we live. With practice, you can develop the power to control your perception and alter it before that perception devolves into something that’s ultimately toxic.
“The last of human freedoms - the ability to choose one's attitude in a given set of circumstances.”
~ Viktor Frankl
Keep in mind that the subconscious sphere — by definition — eludes our control, so initial impulses and even subliminal social conditioning are part of our psyche.
Thus, not only are outside facts and events beyond our control — some of our own thoughts are too.
Your emotions should inform, not control. They're senses like your eyes and ears.
Having emotions, sensations, impressions, feelings, intuitions, these are all part of the human experience.
Nonetheless they should be reined in by reason, otherwise we would just act out any impulse we may have.
“You always own the option of having no opinion. There is never any need to get worked up or to trouble your soul about things you can't control. These things are not asking to be judged by you. Leave them alone.”
~ Marcus Aurelius
“A flash of sanity: the momentary realization that there is no need to come to certain conclusions about persons, events, conflicts, trends, even trends toward evil and disasters, as if from day to day, and even from moment to moment, I had to know and declare (at least to myself) that this is so and so, this is good, this is bad. We are heading for a ‘new era’ or we are heading for destruction. What do such judgments mean? Little or nothing. Things are as they are in an immense whole of which I am a part and which I cannot pretend to grasp. To say I grasp it is immediately to put myself in a false position, as if I were ‘outside’ it. Whereas to be ‘in’ it is to see truth in my own life and action, moving where movement is possible and keeping still when movement is unnecessary, realizing that things will continue to define themselves and that the judgments and mercies of God will clarify themselves and will be more clear to me if I am silent and attentive, obedient to His will, rather than constantly formulating statements in this age which is smothered in language, in meaningless and inconclusive debate in which, in the last analysis, nobody listens to anything except what agrees with his own prejudices.”
~ Thomas Merton
Having a strong opinion on everything creates a volatile, febrile atmosphere where you are constantly stating, defending and arguing your opinion, often on social media platforms.
The opinion becomes tied to the ego, your opinion becomes you – and so an attack on your opinion is an attack on the very fiber of your being. So, vigilant and anxious, you must defend opinion as you would defend yourself. This then creates a binary: people who agree with you are good and people who disagree are bad.
When people see some things as beautiful,
other things become ugly.
When people see some things as good,
other things become bad.
The Tao doesn't take sides;
it gives birth to both good and evil.The Master doesn't take sides;
she welcomes both saints and sinners.~Tao Te Ching, Chapters 2 and 5
It has nothing to do with the new movie or your choice of dessert. By all means, have an opinion on those things!
What it does apply to is things like traffic jams, poor weather, someone else's lifestyle choice, our moronic politicians, etc. Things that have an emotional hold on you at the moment.
Let go of a lot of road rage by not having an opinion on it. The roads are busy? That is what it is. Do I need to feel angry about it? What do I gain by being angry? My anger achieves nothing, it is pointless, so I don't need it.
We have a propensity to internalize our well-being.
Think about what 'you' actually are.
If you believe yourself to be your body, well, yes, your body can be harmed by almost anyone. If you believe that you are something that lives within your body, you can see your body as an external thing, something very valuable of course, but something that isn't you. The thing that lives within your body - you - can possibly be killed, but it can't be otherwise harmed or controlled or hindered. It is always able to do what it does, and that's enough.
Even death is no evil - it's inevitable, and when it comes and we can't evade it, well, no philosophy is going to change that. There is nothing to fear or to regret.
If you have the right idea about what really belongs to you and what does not, you will never be subject to a force or hindrance, you will never blame or criticize anyone, and everything you do will be done willingly.”
~ Epictetus
“There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond our power or our will. ”
~ Epictetus
“Always to seek to conquer myself rather than fortune, to change my desires rather than the order of the world, and generally to believe that nothing except our thoughts is wholly under our control, so that after we have done our best in external matters, what remains to be done is absolutely impossible, at least as far as we are concerned.”
~ René Descartes, Discourse on Method
“The one thing you can never take away from me is how I choose to respond to what you do to me.”
~ Viktor Frankl
“Make the best of what is in our power, and take the rest as it occurs.”
~ Epictetus
"The wise man knows that it is better to sit on the banks of a remote mountain stream than to be emperor of the whole world."
~ Chuang Tzu
Put things you can control into your bucket list, everything else on the fuck it list.
“I have no responsibility to live up to what others expect of me. That's their mistake, not my failing.”
~Feynman
“If someone handed your body over to a passerby, you would be annoyed. Aren’t you ashamed that you hand over your mind to anyone around, for it to be upset and confused if the person insults you?”
~ Epictetus, Enchiridion
The need for social validation is a form of slavery in that you allow others to control what you do or think.
“The tranquility that comes when you stop caring what they say. Or think, or do. Only what you do. Not to be distracted by their darkness. To run straight for the finish line, unswerving.”
~ Marcus Aurelius
“Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.”
~ Lao Tzu
“The art of being wise is knowing what to overlook.”
~ William James
Let go or be dragged!
If you should ever worry about the approval of strangers, try to remember just how dumb the average person is and be yourself first and foremost. About half the world is dumber than that person. Might as well be genuine.
Don’t take things personal.
Don Miguel Ruiz wrote a book called The Four Agreements whose pages were based on Toltec wisdom. The second agreement is: Don’t take things personally —and the third agreement is to not make assumptions which kind of goes hand in hand.
In Meditations 4.24 Marcus says, “ Most of what we say and do is not essential. If you can eliminate it, you’ll have more time and more tranquility. Ask yourself at every moment, “Is this necessary?”
In the 48 Laws of Power, Robert Greene suggests that the first psychological requirement for reacting appropriately to change is to train yourself to never take anything personally.
The list goes on.
Our egos are fragile. Whether we’re dealing with difficult people, or even when we experience valid criticism, it’s easy to get caught up in our emotions. As humans, we don’t enjoy being reminded that we aren’t perfect and most people’s gut reaction is to get defensive.
Words can cut deep, be we choose how to address the wound. Training yourself to never take anything personally not only allows you to free yourself from the anxiety of re-imagining the conversation on repeat, but it allows you to be objective about the situation. If you were insulted, how much damage did they really cause you if you didn’t take it personally? Likewise, by remaining flexible when faced with valid criticism, it permits you to grow in ways that might provide new insights or any number of benefits in the long run.
Here are some mental tips I like to think about whenever my brain starts taking me for a spin over something somebody said or did:
Understand that it has nothing to do with you. When people snap or get frustrated, most of the time they're just blowing off steam because of something else in their life. Don’t assume it’s your fault.
Try and listen to constructive criticism. Look, it’s not Disneyland, but ask yourself if there is any truth in what’s being said. It could make you a way better person.
Zoom out. Try to be objective. Ask yourself how a person you greatly respected would handle the situation and consider acting accordingly.
Not everyone will always be happy. That’s life. People’s disappointment in a decision you make isn’t always a reflection of you as a person.
Your identity comes from you, not what other people say or think about you.
Stop caring what they think or say or do.
Nowadays the opinion of others about you mostly does not have any significant impact on your chances of survival whatsoever. So the viability of the survival function of valuing others' opinion is gone, however, we still have it. It is important that we recognize it when it kicks in, and learn to deal with it in a healthy way.
Ask yourself who this person is that criticizes you
Is it someone you respect? To whose opinion you attribute value? -> see it as feedback upon which you can improve yourself.
Is it someone who you hardly know/means nothing to you/who has hardly any idea what he/she is doing? -> why bother?
Does a mother care when her toddler criticizes her?
When a dog aggressively barks at you on the street, do you spend the rest of the day thinking: 'boy, that dog sure doesn't like me'?
Suffering is a product of the mind, not external events.
Realize that the opinions of others about you LITERALLY have 0% impact on your life, unless you choose to value them
An additional problem here is that you assume that their thoughts about you are relevant.
The point is, these thoughts about you are in THEIR heads, not yours. These thoughts don't hurt you, you can just move on with your own life. When you choose to value these opinions and start thinking about them, they will start to be in your head as well. Let it be clear that it is your own choice to value the opinion and thoughts of these people, and suffer under them.
It is not their opinion or thoughts about you that causes your suffering, but your interpretation of this and the fact that you spend time thinking about it.
Nobody cares.
Afraid of doing something because you might fail and make yourself look like an idiot? Remember that the world truly doesn't care. People might notice it for a second, but then move on with their lives and then never think of it again.
As you gain wisdom:
First you worry about what others are thinking about you.
Then you don’t care what people think about you.
Finally, you realize that nobody was thinking about you in the first place.
Don’t take yourself so seriously…nobody else does.
The world gives zero shits about you.
“Any person capable of angering you becomes your master; he can anger you only when you permit yourself to be disturbed by him.”
~ Epictetus
“If a person gave away your body to some passerby, you’d be furious. Yet, you hand over your mind to anyone who comes along, so they may abuse you, leaving it disturbed and troubled – have you no shame I that?
~ Epictetus
Don't take criticism from someone you wouldn't take advice from.
“It never ceases to amaze me: we all love ourselves more than other people, but care more about their opinion than our own.”
~Marcus Aurelius
“Make it your study then to confront every harsh impression with the words, ‘You are but an impression, and not at all what you seem to be.’ Then test it by those rules that you possess; and first by this—the chief test of all—’Is it concerned with what is in our power or with what is not in our power?’ And if it is concerned with what is not in our power, be ready with the answer that it is nothing to you.”
~ Epictetus, Enchiridion
Happiness and freedom begin with a clear understanding of one principle: Some things are within our control, and some things are not. It is only after you have faced up to this fundamental rule and learned to distinguish between what you can and can’t control that inner tranquility and outer effectiveness become possible.
~ Epictetus
If it is something you have control over there is no need to worry.
If it is something you have no control over worrying is useless.
Why worry?
If a problem is fixable, if a situation is such that you can do something about it, then there is no need to worry. If it’s not fixable, then there is no help in worrying.
If you can fix it, why worry, if you can’t fix it, then why worry?
If you worry, you suffer twice.
Why borrow unhappiness? Why would you be miserable now just because you might be in the future?
"I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened."
~ Mark Twain
Stoicism is not about becoming some soulless, unfeeling, robot. It's about allowing those emotions to land and being conscious of them but not allowing them to control your actions. You cannot divorce emotion from your own being but you can divorce them from the logical and practical actions you choose to take.
"Rather than being your thoughts and emotions be the awareness behind them"
~ Eckhart Tolle
The wonder of not caring is the key to decreasing stress in life.
Acceptance does NOT infer fatalism.
It does not follow from this that one should be passive, this does not mean one can change nothing, does not mean indifference to the fate of others, and does not mean social irresponsibility.
This is not to say that you should ignore everything that’s going on in your life or people’s opinions.
Acceptance doesn’t mean being resigned to something. You analyze the issue in question and say: ‘What does this truth require of me?’”
It's about tolerating the things that you cannot change, but absolutely changing things that you can.
You should absolutely concern yourself with the things you have control over.
We can’t control the sea but we can learn to surf the waves.
You should be cognizant of the opinion of those that you respect.
You should analyze the choices you make that impact your mindset and ultimately your results.
Your reality and your confidence are what you create in your mind.
You are in control of how you view the world.
When it comes to everything else, things outside your control, feel free not to care.
Try not to get angry and upset by things which we cannot influence such as other people and external events and to only focus on ourselves, our own behavior.
Free up your internal resources to focus your time and mental energy on things that truly matter.
This makes things a bit easier, doesn’t it?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
~ The Serenity Prayer
The key is to know the difference and understand the importance of distinguishing things that are under our control and things that are not. ..and to remember what you cab and can’t control! Your Control
“Some things are in our control and others not. Things in our control are opinion, pursuit, desire, aversion, and, in a word, whatever are our own actions. Things not in our control are body, property, reputation, command, and, in one word, whatever are not our own actions.”
~ Epictetus
You have power over your mind — not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.
~ Marcus Aurelius
A humbling reminder of how much happens that we can’t influence and learning to let go and accept things as they are.
Yet at the same time, a powerful reminder that our actions and choices are fully in our own control.
Being humble doesn't mean that you lack self-confidence or that you never stand up for your own opinions or principles. Rather, it involves recognizing that you don't know everything--and being willing to learn from others.
“If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change the way you think about it.”
~ Mary Engelbreit
“If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”
~ Wayne Dyer
“The attitude dictates that you don't care whether she comes, stays, lays, or prays. I mean whatever happens, your toes are still tappin'. Now when you got that, then you have the attitude.”
“Act like wherever you are, that's the place to be. "Isn't this great?”
~ Damone
