On small talk…
Why?
I abhor the fakeness I feel in making benign small talk about insignificant things.
It’s easy to dismiss the informal discourse as too trivial or insincere however it is rude to not participate…if rude is defined as a mild negative deviation from social norms.
It will also hinder you in life as you may miss out on opportunities to meet friends as well as for intellectual growth.
Polite conversations about seemingly unimportant things can lead to things much greater.
So take the pain as there is much to gain by playing the social game.
As Nike would say, just do it.
It’s ok to feel fake, but do it anyway. What’s important is the action.
How?
To be interesting, be interested.
Use the 20 second rule.
Be patient for 20 seconds. You can do anything for 20 seconds.
Face your body towards them.
Focus on their words not on what you are going to say next.
Make eye contact and show interest using micro expressions.
Use their name during the conversation.
Ask for their advice.
The key to a good conversation is to repeat what the other party says right back to them.
Deftly done, this is not perceived as parroting but as geniality.
So give feedback, repeating what you just heard.
Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.
When we spend conversations plotting what to say next, we’re focused on ourselves. Those on the receiving end often don’t want to hear our advice or semirelated anecdotes anyway. They just want someone to listen as they work through things on their own.
When they are done talking say "So you are saying (insert short summary of what they just said)?"
Oddly they usually respond with "No not exactly. What I really mean is (insert pretty much what you just said)"
Then say "Oh I see." This will let you stay in most conversations for the duration and let them know you are listening, with minimal effort.
Every conversation takes place on two levels. The official conversation is represented by the words we are saying on whatever topic we are talking about. The actual conversations occur amid the ebb and flow of emotions that get transmitted as we talk. With every comment I am showing you respect or disrespect, making you feel a little safer or a little more threatened.
If we let fear and a sense of threat build our conversation, then very quickly our motivations will deteriorate. We won’t talk to understand but to pummel. Everything we say afterward will be injurious and hurtful, and will make repairing the relationship in the future harder. If, on the other hand, I show persistent curiosity about your viewpoint, I show respect. In any conversation, respect is like air. When it’s present nobody notices it, and when it’s absent it’s all anybody can think about.
Most people like to talk about themselves and need only a little encouragement to do so.
Remember the FORD model - Family, Occupation, Recreation, Dreams.
These provide 4 easy entry points for pushing along a conversation.
Try to be, not necessarily interesting. but interested.
Why not?
The value of silence.
“Those who know do not speak. Those who speak do not know.”
~ Lao Tzu
“Consider in silence whatever anyone says: speech both conceals and reveals the inner soul of man.”
~ Cato
“Wise men talk because they have something to say. Fools talk because they have to say something.”
~ Plato
“An empty vessel makes the loudest sound, so they that have the least wit are the greatest babblers.”
~ Plato
"Open your mouth only if what you are going to say is more beautiful than silence"
~ Arabic Proverb
“A fool is known by his speech and a wise man by silence.”
~ Pythagoras
You never really learn much from hearing yourself speak.